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What to do When Your Life is Shitty

This is a post drafted in 2017…but the principles can be used ASAP during our Coronavirus / Covid-19 / TrumpFlu quarantine drama we are all currently surviving through.

Sending you love. Hope one of these tips helps!!

Oh girls. ::sigh:: I started drafting this post on Friday, September 15th.

I was sharing all about my personal drama going on that has me feeling low. It was legitimate drama:  pain in mourning my brother’s sudden death, job loss, client loss, having to return to corporate america, a hurricane taking away power and water (and my disney cruise, and beaches turks n caicos trip), a ruined birthday, Rohan being sick, money being tighter than it’s been in…ever, and my car needing repairs.

Valid shit to whine about…sure. It felt like crap was being thrown at me left and right. The two-headed monster of anxiety and depression was clamped down so hard on me.

That same day that I started drafting this post, my gram went in for a surgery. If we’re friends on Facebook, you already know that it didn’t go well and she passed away that Sunday. The matriarch of our family. Gone. Unexpectedly. Taking a huge chunk of my heart with her.


Then, Rohan reveals to me that he’s being bullied at school! (girl! I was ready to fight) Then he gets bronchitis, and I find out my car needs to be replaced all together.

W. T. F.

So yeah. This is not the best time in my life, to say the least. Clearly…I know a little bit about having crappy life stuff go down…
Here are a few things to do when your life feels like crapsville:

Remember it’s temporary

The next person who tells me “time heals all wounds” is getting punched in the face. Seriously. However, keeping in mind that the sharpness of the current pain won’t last, and the shittiness of my current life/financial situation is temporary, has helped me not blow my brains out. It’s a season. It’s an ebb, and I know a flow is coming. Legit, my flow is going to be AMAZING if this is the ebb preceding it. So, remember it’s just right now, and not forever. (I’m saying this to you, and reminding myself at the same time. ::deep breath::)

Talk about it

I’m queen of sharing stuff with John and nobody else. My friends have no idea what a big deal it is for me to share anything sad or “bad” with them. I am lucky to have great friends like Kendra, Tiffani, Danielle, Brittany, that I can share my crap with without fear of being judged. (well, they be judgin’! But not too badly. #realtalk #weallpetty #alllovetho) If you don’t have confidants, or don’t want to share with your homeys (and even if you do) talk to a therapist or counselor of some sort. Talking heals. It helps get the bad juju out and the good juju flowing. If you don’t want to lay across a therapist’s couch (you totally don’t have to lay down btw, it’s not like TV) try the Talkspace app. It’s a real therapist, on the phone, no face to face if you don’t want. I love it so far.

Cry and throw shit

Well, maybe don’t throw shit…but definitely cry. Crying is healing. It’s a catharsis. You need to get that energy out. This entire year I feel like I’ve cried more than I have my entire life. After Garrison, I mean… can you blame me? Cry, punch your bed, scream into a pillow, hammer nails into a board, i dunno!… LET. IT. OUT.  Bottling up those uglies is not the way to go. Trust, it will manifest in other ways. Either you’ll be a complete asshole to your kids/spouse, you’ll break out in hives, your hair will fall out, you’ll have a bunch of little accidents..etc. Just let it out and cry, already. NOTE: Crying does not mean weakness.

“Distractify” and Self Soothe

If you’re like me and can worry yourself into a comatose state, you will likely want to find ways to distract and soothe yourself. I have been eating my feelings in sugary carby goodness for the past month. I have been drowning myself in crappy TV (sidebar: did you know MTV still airs that show “the challenge” with the same 45 year old people from real world back in the day?!), snuggling with my babies, crying in the shower, playing word games on my phone, window shopping online, facebooking, etc. It helps to have a list of things that cheer you up, make you feel good, and can easily be done when you’re down. Sometimes during a depressive state, you can’t even think of something that you’d like. Having the list already there is handy AF. Do what makes you feel better and for goodness sake be gentle with yourself!

Silver Line It

Here comes the ol’ positive patty Dani you know and (hopefully) love: find the bright side!! Do you want to slap me? I know. I know. There is no bright side when you’re in the thick of the shittiness. Well, it’s there, even if it’s dim and invisible to your sad eyes. One of the items to add to your list from the tip above: gratitude listing.  I tried doing a gratitude list (which is a go to for me) and it was literally like “I’m grateful I don’t have syphilis….” It was hard yall. I had to dig. But when you try to look for things to be grateful for, even amidst the muck, it gets easier to find them. I try to start with my body and go out from there… Start small but look for the good. I swear, it’s there. Find it!

Do Drugs!

No, don’t go to a corner boy or your local meth head. I’m talking about legally getting some meds to help you through. Listen sis, you are not weak for getting some chemical assistance when you’re depressed or anxious or having any other reactions to life being shittsville. Just like you are not weak for seeking therapy, or crying your brains out. BLACK WOMEN ESPECIALLY, PLEASE TAKE NOTE! I don’t care what big mama said about grittin’ her teeth and making it through hardships worse than yours. YOU ARE NOT HERE TO SUFFER. Read that again. (and again.) And call your doctor for meds if you need it. Aint no shame in the paxil game, honey.

As for me, I am finally slowing down on my carbs. I’m back at work after taking a week off after Gram. I’m not yet medicated, but am considering it. I’m using talkspace, and looking for a local Black female therapist, which is clearly like looking for a unicorn, but I digress. I’m s-l-o-w-l-y getting back to my law of attraction practices, gratitude listing, etc. I feel like I’m in a low season. I’m in the ebb waiting for my flow to re-start. I hear there’s Value in the Valley….::side eye to Iyanla:: but I don’t wanna hang out down here. I don’t feel like myself AT. ALL. But I do feel like I’ll get back to her soon.

What do YOU do when life is shitty?

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Friday 29th of September 2017

Oh wow! All this at once huh? Sucks! But guess what... it also makes you human. Too many times we get lost in the hype of social media where we think everyone else's life is going so great and we're over here just sucking at life. Know you are not alone, you have your tribe and a whole host of well-wishers (Me!) on the sidelines cheering and rooting for you!


Sunday 19th of November 2017

Thank you for this! I really appreciate it. It's funny how many people have reached out to me in DMs after this post went live, sharing how they're going thru shitsville too. We are not alone. Thanks for rooting for me. That makes me feel so good. I'm glad you're not going thru shitsville at the moment.

Stepha LaFond

Wednesday 27th of September 2017

This is such a great post, Dani! I went to a similar season last year and agree that talking definitely helps, and allowing myself to feel all the shitty feelings. I always say thank goodness for my kids, bc as crazy as they drive me, their joy is infectious. I usually shy away from social media when I feel shitty, especially facebook, bc I find that it triggers and leaves me wanting to punch and curse people, lol. Sending you the biggest, warmest hug!! xoxo


Sunday 19th of November 2017

LOL @ punch and curse people. Damn girl! Thank you for reading and commenting. I think the ebbs are normal, but how deep they are vary. I love that your kids bring you so much joy in the down times! PS We are over due for our random semi annual call.

Ask Dr. Renee: What To Do When Life Keeps Throwing Lemons | Ask Dr. Renee

Wednesday 27th of September 2017

[…] What To Do When Your Life Is Shitty […]


Wednesday 27th of September 2017

Let me start by saying I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. My condolences.

For me I always try to keep myself centered by remembering that things won't always be shitty. A new day will come and this stuff will be nothing but a memory. So know things will look up again.



Sunday 19th of November 2017

Thank you Toni!! Yes, remembering that "this too shall pass" is so important, even when it's hard in the thick of it. Thanks BLM Boo!!

K. Elizabeth

Wednesday 27th of September 2017

Not to sound cliche, but it sucks when bad things happen to genuinely good people. We've been keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. I hope this storm passes for you guys quickly and that the universe definitely sends you something beyond amazing!


Sunday 19th of November 2017

Thank you so so very much. (HUG) love you

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