So I am writing this post because I realized that I made a promise to you guys. I promised that I would complete part 2 of Kaya’s birth story before her first birthday.
She turns one on Friday.
Did you go read it?
Don’t worry, I’ll wait.
So… John and I lock eyes, knowing that this surgery is going to be a lot different than the one with Ro.
I am feeling a lot more of the movement and rearranging they’re doing down there. And I am not feeling good. I’m feeling more than pressure, more than pulling and jostling. I can’t lie and say I felt everything, but I felt like I felt everything.
So I said:
“I feel everythiiiiiing.”
And immediately, that idiot anesthetist comes and puts a mask of sweet air over my mouth.
(Now…I know whipits when I smelltaste them so I shook my head back and forth violently…cuz remember, my arms are strapped down like I’m being crucified.)
Before she would pull that mask up, I felt everything slipping away… I was like, wait a second, is this death? This sucks.
She finally pulls the mask up and I’m like “I don’t want that” or something…
And she puts it back on me and says “We’re just going to top you off.”
She was the devil.
Sound just kinda slipped away, everything just went slooooooooop far away and i THINK i turned my head successfully to make it stop.
She took the mask away and I will give credit where credit is due. I was successfully high as hell for the moment and didn’t feel the brutal shit that evil doctor and his idiot assistant were doing in my guts….
For the moment.
But that moment passed quickly (I guess the whippets weren’t very strong.)
I didn’t want to feel disconnected.
I didn’t want to be high and out of it and not know what’s going on during my daughter’s birth.
But the alternative wasn’t so great.
It was hurty.
I felt so much.
I felt the hands inside me.
I felt all the jostling around.
I felt all the stretching.
And the part that upset me most was, this doctor was treating the surgery as a teaching moment.
Save that for someone who didn’t get a botched spinal.
I’m feeling everything you do, so let’s wrap this up.
Get the baby out and close me up!
Things were really hurting. I’m saying “OW!” and the doctor’s just going along like it’s normal.
I wanted more drugs, but I didn’t want more drugs.
I’m just looking at John and he’s holding me and looking at me.
We’re speaking without speaking.
I’m pissed, and sad, and nervous and scared, and excited all at once.
I was already convinced that this was going to be the day I die (don’t laugh at that one.)
So the botched spinal, the whippet experience, and the uncomfortable “hurty” “feely” surgery was just too much for me.
It felt like FOREVER before they started to ramp up.
The ramp up came. And I got excited.
Ugh, so I’m sad to say this, but, there was this underlying disappointment about it all. The surgery experience was so frustrating and not as I expected, from the moment the random doctor that was not my own stepped in the room.
So my excitement, it was there, and it was real, but there was a lil dimmer switch on it, in a way.
So the nurses are buzzing, the doctor is talking, still trying to teach a fuckin lesson to this kid instead of focus on my damn daughter…
A strong and hearty wail.
My first thought was: She’s here! She’s alive!! She sounds different than Ro.
I said “Hi Kaya!!!” then “Is she okay?”
John popped up to look.
The doctor said she was perfect.
I got to crying again.
Then it felt like forever again that I had to lay there while the doctor closed me back up.
John got her….
and then I got to see her.
This tiny, beautiful, mushy little thing.
This perfect, sweet little dolly, that was kicking me and giving me a hard time.
This amazing, innocent, perfect baby girl that made the carnival rides, the annoying surgery, the feely-ness, the pain, the worry, the fear….
It all just slipped away.
The dimmer switch was gone.
I was just in love.
Happily I didn’t have the same shakiness and bad reaction to the epidural stuff that I had after Rohan, so I was able to hold her on my own right then and there.
I was taken to my room and she was brought to me right away, no waiting, and immediately I popped a boob in her mouth and she latched on. We had a little bit of trouble over the first couple days, and had to see the lactation consultant a couple times for help, but she got it.
She roomed in with me the entire time. John slept over the first night but had to work the next two.
I didn’t want visitors at all (not even my mama) so it was just Kaya and me snuggled up, dozing, nursing… it was just what I wanted. A tiny sliver of time just me and her before I had to go home and be mom of two.
Mom of two.
Then I got pregnant magically and had Rohan.
A piece of me believed he was a fluke and would be an only child.
I got pregnant with Kaya and was very nervous
But I was blessed with two healthy children.
Two. Healthy. Children.
There’s just nothing greater than that in this world.
I’m just so lucky and thankful that I have this privilege.
……but no more for me thanks.
This mommy shit is hard.
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