Hey girls,
So. This morning I was writing/editing a little essay that I started months ago but never got to finish.
It’s about this whole “swirling” trend going on now. There seems to be a movement consisting of black women who’s goal in life is to attract, marry and procreate with white men. I didn’t realize it was such a “thing” until my cousin told me recently that John and my maternity shoot photos are all over interracial tumblr blogs, which led me down a googley rabbit hole of interracial relationship stuff…but majority seemed to be black women / non black men related.
You know, I love getting emails from blog readers, and I get a fair amount (which sidebar: makes me feel cool). The majority are comments and questions about John, our marriage, raising a biracial son….things we’ve had to deal with. (second place goes to hair questions, and third place goes to random stuff like “where’d you get those boots?”)
And I also get a lot of emails from women asking for advice, or sharing their story with me. There seems to be a mix of well meaning questions stemming from genuine curiosity….to weird fetishy type questions, judgey, racist/ignorant comments and some sentiments of “awe.” (weird)
I didn’t really see my marriage as a big deal before. Well, it’s always a big deal for me, of course (it’s MY effin marriage)… I just didn’t see my marriage as something bigger than me before. Or something that other people would care enough to question or comment on. Now I realize, bittersweetly, that my marriage isn’t just a marriage.
It’s an interratial marriage. It’s different. Yes. Even though we married for love, and we see interracial couples everywhere, it’s nothing for us….however…it’s a big deal for other people.
I wasn’t going to bring race, politics, religion and “hot” topics like that into my blog, but now I realize, as far as race goes, I can, should, and will bring it here to OK, Dani. I’m definitely not the “interracial marriage poster child” (despite my preggo belly on those people’s tumblrs) nor am I “down with the swirl” (a “movement” that in my opinion, fetishizes white people, regarding them as a trophy to be won by the po black man/woman who gets lucky) but I am a black woman, married to a white man, raising a biracial son and living in a racial world.
My voice is “different” and I don’t mind sharing it loudly.
So, I’ll be answering your questions and responding to your emails here. Sorry it took me so long to “get it” people.
Sidebar: Don’t you kinda wish interracial marriage wasn’t a “thing?” Wouldn’t it be nice if marriage was just called marriage no matter the color of the bride and groom?
::sigh::
Hit it Mike:
I’m not in an interracial relationship, but your post really resonates with me. It’s really a hot button for me. Why do people care so much? As long as there is love, you are happy, and married a good person I don’t see the big deal.
Some may call me color blind, but it’s just that I don’ t see why it matters. Not everything has to be turned into a race issue. Can’t we just live? I applaud you for your willingness to tackle this controversial topic.
I don’t think it’s color blind. You see color, it’s just not something that matters!
A movement?! That is so ridiculous! Actually pisses me off because just the thought that someone would think I married Sean as winning a trophy makes me sick. I’m the trophy ;).
Yeah it annoys me too that my marriage is called Interracial instead of just marriage. I try not to get to much into it on my blog but man sometimes I really want to.
LOL Don’t let it piss you off. People are weird.
I think it is interesting to…it used to be against the law! now its all over! I also dont think about my marriage as anything but a marriage but I see that sometimes others do….its not a bad thing though!
I can’t imagine it being illegal for me to be married to Johnny. Craaazy maaan.
Yeah, it is a movement. As you know my husband is Chinese. So there is also a movement of black women who are interested in Asian men. Sad to say, that a relationship cannot just be a relationship. It has to be acknowledged as an interracial relationship as well. I know the feeling, but I guess it just comes with the territory.
One day a relationship will just be a relationship, even if the bride is humanoid and the groom is a martian.
hm… isn’t really a “movement’? Kind of makes it seem like we hunted down our Caucasian men for the purpose of making cute biracial babies. (cuz let’s be honest…it wasn’t for their inability to understand our need for body lotion) It’s really not as big a deal as everyone seems to make it! But then again, they’re looking on the outside in. I was actually going to put a post up (maybe next week) about raising a biracial child… let me know if you want to tag team it. 🙂
Don’t get me started on the lotion.
I think you’re right, when you’re looking from the outside in, you see something different from what it really is. But everyone’s experience is different. Let me know what day you want to put up the post and we can co-link to each other.
a movement? that’s crazy.
i wrote a similar thought on my blog “NO COLOUR” if you want to read have to say about the subject.
It seems like that’s what it is. I’ll check out your post.
This is just the type of society we live in. It’s crazy that there are people out there who marry outside of their race because they’ve bought into some of the nutty nonsense the media has put out there. I agree with you that a marriage should just be a marriage regardless of what race the bride and groom are. I live for the day when being different won’t be so controversial when it comes to race and relationships.
Nutty is one of my favorite words that I forget to use. But anyway, yes. I agree with you.
People kill me with this race mess and marriage. Love sees no color why is it a problem who you marry and who you don’t. Some people still live in the 60’s though so you will have a few that just won’t accept it. Great post
Thanks lol some people live even further in the past than that! kwim? smgdh.
lol and people ask me why I don’t put up my pictures on the net! I would feel so odd to find myself being the poster child for something I did not sign up to.
My husband is intelligent, cute and makes AMAZING food. He is kind, sweet and pretty much the most dedicated person I know. While learning all these things about him, I did forget to see that he is white, pretty much because his packaging does not make him who he is.
Great post Dani.
Great response!
It’s weird seeing yourself where you don’t expect to. That’s for sure! Thanks!
You know what? This is odd but until now, Ive never thought of your marriage as interracial and Roey as biracial. I mean it never crossed my mind that this is the case. Its odd because this is clearly a fact but I guess it just doesnt matter to me one bit so I just overlooked it completely. Even when I first met John years ago I guess it just didnt register.
This is a very race driven world and I am faced with it more often that I would like, especially the last few years. I guess this resulted in a subconscious coping mechanism of completely blocking race out of my personal life. I dont know….
Lol you blocked out John’s whiteness?!
Yes, Im colorblind!
This is a tough topic. I’m a firm believer that love will happen no matter what race, religion or nationality. I like your stance on the topic too. It’s doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Love who you love!!!
I agree, love will happen no matter what.
I was once married to a white man…. God knows he was nobody’s trophy.
this response made me laugh aloud, quite funny 😀
I think that anything that is different than “the norm” is definitely going to get noticed and given more importance that is necessary. I didn’t realize it was a movement tho…crazy. I would like to think that I am the trophy, my husband followed me around the world just to have a chance to date me ;). He is not too bad himself tho.
I love all types of love, however, biracial marraiges are an issue for a couple of reasons for many years that are too complicated and ignorant to address. Therefore I will not even begin that convo. I know persons both past and present who purposefully “swirl” ( which is the most ridiculous term ever created by the way) because they do not want their children to be a ful race. They do not want their child to be identified as an African American and have “Arican American” features so they procreate with other races to accomplish this goal. I have even heard some people say “White men have more money so i will only marry one of them.”
Marry outside of your race for some people is not about love…and it is sad. I think the whole swirl thing is associated with people who have a hidden agenda. And I am referring solely to those who swirl as a trend and not for love. I hope I did not confuse anyone.
Dani I love all people..I just hate the swirl term and the abuse that comes along with it,These people are on FAD mode.
I hope we all don’t get “painted by the same brush”, because the reason my hubs and I are together has nothing to do with race. I personally am happy when I see couples like us because not so long ago, It was illegal to marry someone of a different race, expecially black and white. But to get into such a relationship to prove a point to to follow a trend is definitely a recipe for disaster. But hey, each to his own!
Ah-mazing blog post! Love has no color. I understand we live in a world where people feel like their opinions are the best but the heart wants, what the heart wants! Whether it be an Asian, Indian, or Etc. I notice the swirl movement when I when to a multi meetup event and a Nigerian girl I met had her heart set on dating a white guy and even joined a meetup group dedicated to swirling. Smh. We live in a close minded world with a few normal people.
I’m in a interracial relationship with a man I hope to marry. The only thing I ever wondered is whether his parents would take issue (which they don’t). I didn’t realized it was still a “thing” generally speaking, though. How odd. Love is love – who care what color you are. Everyone has cultural differences even it its an intra-racial relationship. Come one people – get with the times!
Love is love. I think people have a tough time accepting anything other that what they deem as “normal,” hence all of this hoopla about defending “traditional” marriage.
My dad is Iranian and my mom is African American, they’ve been married for 31 years and still act like 19 year olds with each other. I am biracial (although I don’t necessarily identify with that label) and my love is of Indian/Pakistani descent from east Africa. He’s Muslim, I was raised Christian (with an understanding of Islamic tradition/religion thanks to my Iranian culture). My family and my relationship are anything BUT “traditional,” but the love we feel and express is as universal as it gets.
People get worked up over differences and love to slap labels on people and things.
Someday people will accept how universal the human experience is. Love, in any shape and form, is normal.
Can’t wait to read your posts on this topics!
All the best
Umm….I kinda want to be featured on the interracial tumblr pages…. 😉
T.
Dani, Thank you for writing this post! I’ve always wanted to reach out to you on the topic, but felt like, hey, if you aren’t talking about it, then maybe it isn’t a big issue. But even living in NYC, the boyfriend and I get stares as if this is the 1940s. It hurts sometimes, but I’ve worked to get over the pain associated with it. I, like you, don’t want to be a poster child for the “interracial” relationship. Rather, I want to be a poster child for Love. It doesn’t matter the superficial outwardly features (even though I am insanely attracted to my boo!), what matters is whats on the inside. And that, has no color, or sociological construct. It is, what it is.
I dont notice anything different about being married to danielle.
I guess partially because we live in the ny metro area and partially
because I’m used to being the center of attention as I’ve been
a large man for most of my life now. if anyone has anything negative
to say or think they can go to hell but anything positive please share
with the group and keep it coming was always my philosophy:-)
I am coming from the opposite side of the coin-I am a white woman that is dating a black man. I have currently only disclosed this to a few people as we have just starting dating but I think that many of my family members will flip out when they get knowledge of this. On the positive side, I have met his mother, niece, and sister and they are all happy for him and seem to like me. I am wondering how to address the potential backlash because things are going very well and he and I have a great connection.