I ran across this yesterday, and thought it was too funny not to share. It’s absolutely accurate of my Sharkie’s recent behavior. He must have read this code of conduct and decided to comply.
1. You are the family alarm clock. It is your job to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn every day.
2. ALWAYS crap your pants AFTER leaving the house. Your best bet is to clench those cheeks together until you have left your street, and then EXPLODE!!! To achieve Legend status, do this when your parent is in a huge hurry to get somewhere very important.
Luckily my lil Rowboat doesn’t pull this stunt. He waits until we’re home, and I change him into a fresh diaper, THEN he’ll poop.
3. Do not be content doing anything for more than two minutes. You have to constantly keep moving. NEVER SLOW DOWN!
OMG. He’s so busy. He bounces from one thing to the next to the next….it’s crazy to watch him. But it’s nice that he will go for 15-20 minutes without needing any mommy attention.
4. If you are not interested in being picked up, get as low to the ground as possible. Think dead weight. Feel free to flail and cry for added difficulty.
What is it with this crazy move? Don’t they realize we’re stronger than them?
5. If someone tries to take something from you, teach them a lesson by first throwing it, then jumping up and down while making your best “oh you are going to be REALLY sorry,” face, then falling to the floor and starting to spaz out, screaming and crying extra loud if you are in public.
Well, he’s got he throwing thing and crying part down. Luckily he hasn’t started pulling the other crap yet.
6. If you do not like the food that is served to you, throw it on the ground in disgust, then at your parent, then at the cat/dog. For extra credit smash the remaining food into your hair and clothes. When you are given something to drink immediately dump it in your lap.
To a T.
7. Whenever possible terrorize the family pets so they know who is in charge.
We have no pets, but if the abuse the stuffed animals take are any indication….I may be raising a serial killer.
8. NEVER EVER let your parent get the house clean. EVER! Once something is picked up off the floor, put something in its place. A good rule of thumb is dumping out the cat/dog food daily. Feel free to snack on it as well.
9. You are in control of your sleep schedule. If you do not want to go to sleep, then don’t, and if someone really wants you to go to sleep, then definitely do not do it. Do your best to get so tired that you become an evil miserable crying mess. That will show them!
…..and that’s why Daddy is the one to put him down for naps. I love night time though. He just goes in his crib and will fall asleep at his leisure with no fussing.
10. Always do your best to be in the way, including but not limited to: playing at your parents’ feet while they are cooking, cleaning, fixing something, talking on the phone, getting ready for work, or doing anything that looks remotely important.
If I’m working out, or trying to clean, he must be wrapped around my legs or he’ll just die. If I get on the phone, all of a sudden I’m the most interesting thing in the room even if he’s been ignoring me all day.
11. Take ALL of your toys out of the toy box before playing with any of them. This goes for books, too — rip all of them off the shelf before reading one. Your job is to make a huge mess. Hint: To keep things interesting, never ever play with the same toy or book for more than one minute.
12. Under no circumstance will you make diaper changes or potty training an easy venture. If poop does not get everywhere then you have failed.
Thankfully I’m faster than he is so poop doesn’t get everywhere. But he sure does try to make diaper changes as hard as possible.
13. Every time you leave the park throw a fit big enough to make it look like you are being kidnapped. If you are lucky, this will buy you five more minutes on the slide.
14. The minute you learn to walk, refuse to be held. Insist on walking EVERYWHERE!
Not yet. He insists on walking sometimes, but he still loves to be held and snuggled, thank God!
15. The minute you learn to talk, DO NOT STOP! Do not be discouraged if you are not understood — talk away anyway. It is not your fault if people are too stupid to understand you.
I like this rule. I could listen to him talk all day. The shrieking and screaming as if we’re beating him…is a different story.
16. EVERYTHING in this world belongs to you. Feel free to touch it, take it, hide it, throw it, smash it, break it and completely ruin it. HINT: ALL of the telephones in the house belong to you — store them in the toilet.
OMG do all toddlers have a hard on for the telephones? Geez. But yes, this one is so Roey. He’s too curious for MY own good.
17. Your mantra is, “Catch me if you can you silly fool.”
Absolutely. Everything is a chasing game. I don’t mind this one too much, usually.
18. “No!” means, Good job! Keep doing that!
As does “Stop” and “You may Not”
19. NEVER EVER do anything the first time you are asked.
Or the second…third…fourth… actually wait until mommy is fed up and comes to get you, at which point, please refer to rule 17.
20. And last — the most important code of toddler conduct — for every five minutes you spend terrorizing your parent(s), sibling(s) and/or pet(s), provide one minute of pure sweet lovin’ to ensure complete forgiveness.
So. True. I live for those snuggles, kisses, noseys, and hugs (he pats your back when he hugs you…dunno where he got that from!)