Kaya’s Birth Story (Part 2)

So I am writing this post because I realized that I made a promise to you guys. I promised that I would complete part 2 of Kaya’s birth story before her first birthday.
She turns one on Friday.
SO.
Here’s part one of her birth story to freshen your memory….
Did you go read it?
Don’t worry, I’ll wait.
::files nails::
You back?
OK…..
So… John and I lock eyes, knowing that this surgery is going to be a lot different than the one with Ro.
I am feeling a lot more of the movement and rearranging they’re doing down there. And I am not feeling good. I’m feeling more than pressure, more than pulling and jostling. I can’t lie and say I felt everything, but I felt like I felt everything.
So I said:
“I feel everythiiiiiing.”
And immediately, that idiot anesthetist comes and puts a mask of sweet air over my mouth.
(Now…I know whipits when I smelltaste them so I shook my head back and forth violently…cuz remember, my arms are strapped down like I’m being crucified.)
Before she would pull that mask up, I felt everything slipping away… I was like, wait a second, is this death? This sucks.
She finally pulls the mask up and I’m like “I don’t want that” or something…
And she puts it back on me and says “We’re just going to top you off.”
She was the devil.
Sound just kinda slipped away, everything just went slooooooooop far away and i THINK i turned my head successfully to make it stop.
She took the mask away and I will give credit where credit is due. I was successfully high as hell for the moment and didn’t feel the brutal shit that evil doctor and his idiot assistant were doing in my guts….
For the moment.
But that moment passed quickly (I guess the whippets weren’t very strong.)
I didn’t want to feel disconnected.
I didn’t want to be high and out of it and not know what’s going on during my daughter’s birth.
But the alternative wasn’t so great.
It was hurty.
I felt so much.
I felt the hands inside me.
I felt all the jostling around.
I felt all the stretching.
And the part that upset me most was, this doctor was treating the surgery as a teaching moment.
Listen.
Save that for someone who didn’t get a botched spinal.
I’m feeling everything you do, so let’s wrap this up.
Get the baby out and close me up!
Things were really hurting. I’m saying “OW!” and the doctor’s just going along like it’s normal.
I wanted more drugs, but I didn’t want more drugs.
I’m just looking at John and he’s holding me and looking at me.
I’m crying.
He’s crying.
We’re speaking without speaking.
I’m pissed, and sad, and nervous and scared, and excited all at once.
I was already convinced that this was going to be the day I die (don’t laugh at that one.)
So the botched spinal, the whippet experience, and the uncomfortable “hurty” “feely” surgery was just too much for me.
It felt like FOREVER before they started to ramp up.
The ramp up came. And I got excited.
Ugh, so I’m sad to say this, but, there was this underlying disappointment about it all. The surgery experience was so frustrating and not as I expected, from the moment the random doctor that was not my own stepped in the room.
So my excitement, it was there, and it was real, but there was a lil dimmer switch on it, in a way.
So the nurses are buzzing, the doctor is talking, still trying to teach a fuckin lesson to this kid instead of focus on my damn daughter…
And then….
A strong and hearty wail.
My first thought was: She’s here! She’s alive!! She sounds different than Ro.
I said “Hi Kaya!!!” then “Is she okay?”
John popped up to look.
The doctor said she was perfect.
I got to crying again.
Then it felt like forever again that I had to lay there while the doctor closed me back up.
John got her….
and then I got to see her.
This tiny, beautiful, mushy little thing.
This perfect, sweet little dolly, that was kicking me and giving me a hard time.
This amazing, innocent, perfect baby girl that made the carnival rides, the annoying surgery, the feely-ness, the pain, the worry, the fear….
SLOOOOOOOP!
It all just slipped away.
The dimmer switch was gone.
I was just in love.
Happily I didn’t have the same shakiness and bad reaction to the epidural stuff that I had after Rohan, so I was able to hold her on my own right then and there.
I was taken to my room and she was brought to me right away, no waiting, and immediately I popped a boob in her mouth and she latched on. We had a little bit of trouble over the first couple days, and had to see the lactation consultant a couple times for help, but she got it.
She roomed in with me the entire time. John slept over the first night but had to work the next two.
I didn’t want visitors at all (not even my mama) so it was just Kaya and me snuggled up, dozing, nursing… it was just what I wanted. A tiny sliver of time just me and her before I had to go home and be mom of two.
Mom of two.
You know, I was told I couldn’t have children naturally. I was told I needed IVF.
Then I got pregnant magically and had Rohan.
A piece of me believed he was a fluke and would be an only child.
I got pregnant with Kaya and was very nervous
But I was blessed with two healthy children.
Two. Healthy. Children.
There’s just nothing greater than that in this world.
I’m just so lucky and thankful that I have this privilege.
……but no more for me thanks.
This mommy shit is hard.

 

Kaya’s Birth Story (Part 1)

kaya-birth-story-okdani-blog

I’m doing this in two parts. If you want more birth story goodness you can also read Rohan’s Birth Story

The night before Kaya’s birthday we took Rohan over to my mom n dad’s house. I came home and could barely sleep. (And not from the usual heartburny, constant peeing, always uncomfortable 9 months pregnant woes) I was so anxious. Convinced I was going to die on the table the next day. (I made John promise to live close to my mom so she could help raise the kids.)

I was scheduled to arrive at the hospital at 9:30. We arrived and after a bit of a delay (waiting for a completely unnecessary wheelchair) we made it up into the room where I’d be prepped for my repeat cesarean. I peed in a cup, got blood drawn, and was hooked up to an IV to receive a bag of fluid. My nurse gave me the run-down of what was going to happen and then we just had to hurry up and wait.

The doctor came in and I was surprised at how my black female doctor Brown had morphed into a white male Dr. Cohen. Immediately my nervousness commenced. But he seemed nice and again gave me the run-down and answered all 50-11 of my questions… Including: “Are you gunna go through the same hole or are you gunna put an equal sign on my belly?” Thankfully he didn’t skip a beat in saying he’d use the same or directly beneath. *whew!*

The anesthesiologist came in and gave me the full scoop on the spinal, and John was given his scrubs. It was about to get really real. We were told we had to wait a bit, but then 5 seconds later they started to wheel me out to the (freeezing) operating room. I got hooked up to more beeping machines, and the anesthesiologist started her spinal procedure.

I was curled over a pillow unmoving, barely breathing, and only mildly nervous. Until *prick!* she poked in her spinal juice and my left leg jumped so high. Immediately that leg was numb….and everything else was regular. Very, very slowly I started to feel a bit of numbness go do my other leg. But not fully and nothing happened to my tummy.

On goes the oxygen mask. (Honestly my first thought was, oh great now my nose is going to be chapped for days – and it was.)

“I’m not numb.” I said, and I was told by one of the nurses that I just needed to lay down and things would take effect.

The nurses all helped me lay back, and I got strapped to the table 🙁 It was very scary for a moment and I just wanted John to be there next to me. I was laying and waiting for the spinal to make it to my tummy and chest.

No such luck.

The doctor kept pinching me (hard) and asking me if I could feel it. I was just like “OW! yes!” every time. (I wanted to kick him….but I couldn’t lift that left leg!) They couldn’t give me more meds because of my weight and the dose they already injected. So, they started carnival rides instead.

Yes, carnival rides.

There was some remote control that tilted the bed left, right, up down….everywhichaway and at one point I was almost all the way upside down. Head to the floor, legs to the sky. Naked. Strapped to a table. Drugged. Unable to move my legs.

Definitely my best moment in life. ::sigh::

So the bed tilting didn’t work, but just to be sure they did the annoying (and painful) pinch test for a while before they believed me. Then more carnival rides.

“Can someone get my husband please?”

We can as soon as we know you’re properly numb.

In that case, John’s never coming in here. I thought

“OK Fine.” I said

S-l-o-w-l-y the numbness raised to a level the doctor was comfortable with. But I wasn’t.

I saw someone lead John into the room.

Hooray!

I know from last time that I’d feel tugging and pulling and stretching feelings, but the sensation of my doctor’s hands on me was just too…acute. I just knew something was up, and I told them it’s not right.

“I think something’s wrong.” I said.

The anesthetist knew she’d effed up too, because she just kept on saying “she got the right amount.” “her back was perfect” “she got a good spinal” and things like that. I wanted to slap her. Thankfully the doctor listened to me and my intuition, and not that stupid chick.

I saw someone lead John out of the room.

Boo.

He waited longer, and did more carnival game bed tilting, until his pinch test was way less ‘ouchie.’ Once he was pinching me at my sternum but felt like a feather gently rubbing accross my skin I was satisfied.

The doctor was satisfied too.

John came in again and immediately I start tearing up. The doctor and his student get ready to go to work, and the anesthesiologist goes in explaining to John what happened with the pinch test, and levels of numbness….and she doesn’t forget to mention that “she got the right amount” “her back was perfect” “she got a good spinal.”

I just wanted her to shut up. The doctor was just like “Oh every person’s body is different, we take to certain things in certain ways. bla bla bla bla”

John and I locked eyes. He knew as well as I did, that I got a botched spinal and I was in for a brutal ride.

Stay tuned for part two….

UPDATE: Read Kaya’s Birth Story Part 2 Here

What was your birth experience like?

 

 

Baby Day Brain Dump!

Hi girls,

Guess what!? By this afternoon I’m going to be a mom of two! My darling girl is coming into the world today and I couldn’t be more excited. I’m praying everything goes well with the c-section, and she is born healthy and well. I hope there are no complications and I get to snuggle and nurse her immediately after, in recovery just like with Rohan. (Though I hope I don’t have those violent shakes so I can actually hold her to my breast by myself.)

I hope I can keep it together in there and not freak out about every little thing I see, hear, don’t hear, feel, don’t feel… It’s so nervewracking though.

::sigh::

This magical little life that John and I are being blessed with feels so extra special. We had Rohan, result of our little miracle pregnancy. And now BabyH2.0 is miracle two, coming to complete our natural family. How lucky are we? It feels so perfect and I just feel so overwhelmed with gratitude. I secretly believed Rohan was a fluke and I’d never be able to have more children. Thank goodness I was wrong.

It’s amazing how love just expands so naturally, and so wholly. I’ve loved this little girl to bits for 39 weeks and I am finally getting to meet her. I can’t wait to hear her cry. I know it’ll be a solid hearty cry. I can’t wait to have John bring her where I can see her little face and give her a kiss. I can’t wait to hold her. I can’t wait to just hold her and look at her. I want to smell her and feel her skin, and kiss all her tiny little parts.

Gosh I wish I could just fast forward to that part right now.

I’ll probably have John put up her stats and pic on Instagram first so follow me there if you want to e-meet her.

Do me a favor please? Send me some prayers, energy and good vibes for a safe delivery and a swift recovery! I’d really appreciate it.

Thanks girls. I know I can count on you.

xo,

Dani

Preparing for the Fourth Trimester

the-fourth-trimester

I’m having a baby tomorrow.

This horrible 3rd trimester is coming to an end….and the Fourth Trimester is beginning.

Have you heard of the fourth trimester before? It’s the first 3 months after birth.

Having a newborn is tough and awesome. I spent so much time just falling in love with Rohan in his first days, weeks, months. Holding him all the time, having him sleep on me, wearing him like my favorite accessory. (And then pacing up and down with him as he screamed for no reason, wondering what’s wrong, cleaning up poopsplosions every hour, never getting to sleep for mroe than an hour, and getting peed and spat up on)

I’m going to have a lot more on my plate this time with Rohan running around while I’m trying to take care of BabyH2.0

Sometimes I think about it and I’m like, yeah…I got this.
And sometimes I think about it and I brainstorm ways to keep her inside me until Rohan is 5.

I’m preparing for the fourth trimester as best I can:

  • I’ve got BabyH2.0’s needed items taken care of
  • I’ve got my postpartum items taken care of
  • I’ve got my mom staying with me the first week and helping me find a mother’s helper for the next couple weeks
  • I’ve also got my mom keeping Roey on some weekends for a bit so I get solo bonding time w/ Newbaby
  • I’ve got my journal to write down all my angsty postpartum feelings
  • I’ve got meditations loaded up on my phone to listen to when I feel like I’m going to go postal
  • I’ve got John on alert that he’s gunna have to do some serious heavy lifting the first few weeks

Most importantly, I’ve got the mindset that I know it’s going to be hard at first and I’m going to be going cray cray, but we will get through it unscathed.

 Any tips on handling a newborn and a toddler in the first months?

Packing for the Hospital Stay

what to pack in your hospital bag

The past few days I’ve been stressing about preparing for the aftermath of my repeat cesarean. I’m packing for the hospital stay but I’m convinced I’m going to forget something important. I’ve gotten some great advice on things to pack, and to ask for in the hospital though.

To ask for in hospital:

  • Colase asap to get things *ahem* movin’
  • A belly wrap to keep things tight
  • Pain meds before I’m actually in pain
  • An extra jug of ice water (this is genius, as I was chugging water like nobody’s business last time and felt so bad always asking for more)

To pack:

  • A pillow! (totally could’ve used this last time!)
  • The usual: toiletries, socks, robe, clothes for me/baby, phone, camera, chargers, kindle, journal
  • Nursing gear: bras, nipple cream
  • An extra tote bag! (since the hospital gives you lots of free goodies)
  • Baby nail clippers! (hospital doesn’t offer them, and babies like to scratch their faces off)

I found a good hospital packing list Here and also Here.

For some debbie downery reason I keep thinking back to last time and just how awful I felt afterward. Everyone who’s had an emergency C followed by a planned C says it’s a lot easier the second time around. I hope they’re right and not just being nice to calm my nerves. 🙂

Just a couple more days now….Eeeep!

Any suggestions of what to pack for this hospital stay?!