Everyone is always trying to be so goddamn helpful. It’s sickening really. Especially in light of BlogHer last week, and the other blogging conferences coming up. I see blog conference tips posted ranging from advice on what to wear, tips to get the most out of sessions, tips to stand out. Well, what if you don’t want to stand out? What if you don’t want to make the most efficient use of your time, money at the conference?
Sound like you? Good! F all that helpful stuff. I’m going to teach you how to waste your time and your money at a blogging conference. (Or any type of conference for that matter.) Don’t worry, you can thank me later.
Treat your conference as a vacation vs a business trip.
- Pack clothes that say “I’m chillin” versus “I’m working.” You don’t want to accidentally be taken seriously, so if you have an “I’m with stupid” shirt, or one of those big tees with a bikini on it, definitely wear that.
- Day drink.
- If you attend sessions, chat and giggle with the people near you instead of paying attention
- Drink a lot at night, come to sessions hungover and tell whoever you sit next to all about it
- Wake up as late as possible, if lucky, you’ll miss a keynote or two
- Plan outside events for your evenings, so you’ll have to miss the planned parties, then complain about the planned party schedule (see step 5)
- Be late for everything…because you were shopping
Do not research or read your pre-conference materials
- Be as uninformed as possible. The more you can say “wait…what’s happening here?” the better!
- Stop people randomly and ask for directions (bonus: hold your map, and phone with conference app in your hand when you ask)
- Be unscheduled with absolutely no plan for your conference experience (Bonus points if you think you’re at a completely different conference all together!)
- Don’t check out the sponsors, or make a plan for the expo, then be sure to complain that it’s “overwhelming” (see step 5)
- Make no plans, if anyone asks you about it, let them know you like to play things by ear.
Go for the swag.
- Disregard the informative sessions, interesting keynotes, and fellow blogger attendees.
- Focus on what physical items you can take back home with you (be sure to note your airlines baggage fees!)
- Make multiple trips around the exhibit hall, talking to nobody, but picking up multiple giveaway items and coupons
- Attend (or crash) every party you can get into, take a gift bag for you, and try to snag one for “your friend” too
- Be sure to complain that there’s not enough swag, or that it’s all junk (see step 5)
PRACTICE THIS FACE!!!
Be quiet and shy.
- (Bonus: blame your “social anxiety” if possible)
- Sit at tables filled with people excitedly talking to each other (best if they already know each other) Be sure to feel dejected if they don’t immediately welcome you to the table and draw you into the convo.
- Don’t speak first, let people come to you, if they really wanted to talk to you, they would! Right?!
- Don’t smile or let on that you’re a warm individual who likes to gab. People should simply assume that since you’re a blogger.
- Don’t give out cards or ask other’s for theirs.
- Keep your head burried in your phone or tablet. Try to avoid all that eyecontact business people seem to expect
Complain. (often, and loudly)
- This really should’ve been tip #1: Complain like it’s your job!
- Not sure where to start? The food! (duh!)
- Then move on to the keynotes you can’t stand
- The useless sessions you giggled/chatted through
- The unclear pre-conference materials that “confused” you,
- The uninteresting attendees (you didn’t speak to)
- The shitty swag (that’s filling your suitcases)
- The lack of outlets for re-charging
- The cost of the conference (that’s a good one!)
So there you have it. Follow my 5 easy tips and you’ll be wasting your time and money on a blog conference (and ensuring an awful experience for yourself and anyone who comes in contact with you) in no time. Better yet, get a sponsor so you can waste their money too!