I hope you all made it through your first lessons of how to be a bad mom with flying colors. We’re back today with more lessons for you to become a truly bad mom. Because if you don’t strengthen your child with values such as distrust, instability and general anxiety, who will?!
Break his coccyx (and hopefully his skull too!)
Remember to always allow your baby to set himself up for future failure. Allow him to do activities he finds enjoyable so he will let his guard down and succumb to future pain. A tactic I like to use is to allow my son to play with the junk mail. Ripping it up and throwing it all around the living room brings him joy. Whatever you do, don’t pick up the mess straight away. Allow it to stay on the floor while you do some other task nearby.
This will allow your child to lose interest in ripping paper and get up to “run” toward something else to
destroy play with. With any luck, while “running” toward the new item of interest, your child will slip on some of the ripped paper strewn about and land hard on his tailbone, bonus points if it’s so hard a fall that in addition to his coccyx, his upper body falls back too giving the back of his skull a good slamming into the hard wood. When he looks to you for comfort: tell him to walk it off.
Torture them by exploiting their fears
It will be a glorious day when you discover your baby’s first unexplained strong fears. With any luck it will be a household item that you must use often. I’m in luck as our ninja blender is the source of my son’s terror. This lesson is quite simple. Just be sure to always use the item that terrorizes your baby. If your blender is the “monster” in your house, be sure to puree everything in sight while your son cries bloody murder. When you see the terror in your child’s eyes, and notice them scrambling to get out of their high chair to escape, simply ignore it, because you have more pureeing to do!
Don’t forget, some fears are stronger than others. There’s no need to actually use your object in the usual way to inflict terror and fear. You can simply bump it with your arm “accidentally” when wiping down the table so that it makes just enough noise to bring your baby’s attention to it. Screaming and crying will ensue. Job well done, mom, Job well done.