What’s with everyone wanting to be a good mother these days? Why is that something to aspire to? We need more bad mothers in this world. How else will our child build strength, and character? Children must be put through many trials in order to grow and flourish. I want my son to learn early on, that life is hard. Life isn’t fair. And you’ve gotta learn to take your lumps.
I’m doing my part.
You should too.
In my new series here on OK Dani I will help you with tips and tricks on how you too can be a bad mom, just like me.
Crack His Scull
When your child is learning to sit up on his own, be sure to praise him. This will set him up to feel nice and secure before you trick him. After you give loads of praise, and let the child think you’re impressed with his strong core muscles and well balanced head, turn away briefly to get a camera. Luckily, as soon as you turn your head or reach your hand to get the camera, your child will tip back and hit his head on the hard wood floor that you lazily covered with a blanket. If you’re really lucky, his scull will crack open. If you’re unlucky, he will just look shocked and on the verge of tears until something he notices on the floor catches his attention.
Sever Him In Half
After you’ve changed your child’s dirty diaper, play with him for a few moments on the changing table. Be sure he is securely fastened in so he doesn’t fall….yet. During your play time, get your child distracted and giggling and when he least expects it, “forget” to unbuckle him and yank his still-securely-fastened body up from the changing table. With any luck, the safety strap will sever him right in half. If you’re unlucky it’ll just leave a red mark and you can try again later. At the very least it’ll push on his tummy hard enough to scare him and you may elicit a few tears or that “hangy lower lip i’m about to cry but I’m not so sure” face.
Try these tips and check back soon for more Bad Mom 101 lessons. I’m sure there will be tons more to come.
If you have any Bad Mom lessons or at the very least some bad mommy moments to share please leave in the comments.