Well, this is definitely going to have to be a series just like Bad Mom 101 will be. As I go further into this mystical world of motherhood I am learning some very interesting truths like:
Truth #1 – your kid is the smartest, cutest, brightest, bestest…at everything
Truth #2 – you’ll catch a case over your children
Truth #3 – you’ll transform…..into a freaking court jester
Have you learned these truths?
I swear, moms will lie like nobody else! Their kid was sleeping through the night from the day they left the hospital, they never had a single cold, and not to mention they’re “gifted”, speak Japanese and Urdu, have a modeling contract with Ford and are spending the summer working as a missionary in Botswana…and all before their 3rd birthday! What a blessing.
Those moms make me laugh. Am I the only person on earth with a normal baby?
I will say, I do know that I may just be the mom to catch a case over Sharkie. I’ve already had a brush with attempted murder….ok…thoughts of attempted murder. Feel free to judge me, I don’t even care.
So lemme tell you the story: I’m in Penn station with Rohan strapped to the front of me in his carrier, and a big overnight bag slung over my shoulder, my bag on the other shoulder. I’m walking slowly of course. This woman coming in the opposite direction is rushing and pushes me as she passes. But she doesn’t push me, this heffa pushed on the carrier, ON. ROEY.
I mushed that bitch on the side of her face so hard she stumbled sideways and I swear if I had nothing weighing me down or didn’t have Roey on me I would’ve struck her down to the ground. After she recovered from her stumble she just looked at me shamefully and scurried off quickfast.
I was so angry. She just pushed my baby! Looking back I don’t even feel ashamed or embarrassed for responding with violence. Not a lick of regret.
I’ve never gotten that angry that quickly in life. I know what people mean when they say they “saw red” now. And I’ve never reacted violently and so quickly all at once. It was the kind of anger that took a lil minute to recover from.
Ugh. Somebody’s gunna have to bail me outta jail one day. Start taking up a collection girls.
On a happier note, I have become a court jester though. Shamelessly. I will sing, dance, prance, make faces, softshoe, and act the fool to keep the Shark happy. It’s amazing how hard I’ll work for a smile, a giggle, or just for some quiet. My singing is awful and I don’t even know what a key is, but I’m definitely off it. Somehow, the shark doesn’t mind though. And when he graces me with a big gummy smile I feel like I won X Factor. …. then I stop performing and he wails and I want to die.
Any of these truths of motherhood relate to you?