Bad Mom 101


 

What’s with everyone wanting to be a good mother these days? Why is that something to aspire to? We need more bad mothers in this world. How else will our child build strength, and character? Children must be put through many trials in order to grow and flourish. I want my son to learn early on, that life is hard. Life isn’t fair. And you’ve gotta learn to take your lumps.

I’m doing my part.

You should too.

In my new series here on OK Dani I will help you with tips and tricks on how you too can be a bad mom, just like me.

Lesson#1

Crack His Scull

When your child is learning to sit up on his own, be sure to praise him. This will set him up to feel nice and secure before you trick him. After you give loads of praise, and let the child think you’re impressed with his strong core muscles and well balanced head, turn away briefly to get a camera. Luckily, as soon as you turn your head or reach your hand to get the camera, your child will tip back and hit his head on the hard wood floor that you lazily covered with a blanket. If you’re really lucky, his scull will crack open. If you’re unlucky, he will just look shocked and on the verge of tears until something he notices on the floor catches his attention.

Lesson #2

Sever Him In Half

After you’ve changed your child’s dirty diaper, play with him for a few moments on the changing table. Be sure he is securely fastened in so he doesn’t fall….yet. During your play time, get your child distracted and giggling and when he least expects it, “forget” to unbuckle him and yank his still-securely-fastened body up from the changing table. With any luck, the safety strap will sever him right in half. If you’re unlucky it’ll just leave a red mark and you can try again later.  At the very least it’ll push on his tummy hard enough to scare him and you may elicit a few tears or that “hangy lower lip i’m about to cry but I’m not so sure” face.

Try these tips and check back soon for more Bad Mom 101 lessons. I’m sure there will be tons more to come.

If you have any Bad Mom lessons or at the very least some bad mommy moments to share please leave in the comments.

PiYo DEFINE YOURSELF
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Happily married mom of two.

About Dani

Happily married mom of two.

  • http://thiscooknmom.blogspot.com this cookn mom

    Lolol. I’m going to love this bad mom series. Just last night, joy fell down the stairs(I think it’s about 14 steps). Guess what? We were all watching. She was so confident that we thought she could do it. Poor baby fooled us. She rolled so fast that we couldn’t stop her. We met her at the bottom…she was fine. Bad family!

    • http://www.skeeta.com skeeta

      HA!

    • http://www.okdani.com Dani

      I laughed out loud reading this. I’m glad she’s ok!

  • http://www.TERRIficWords.wordpress.com Terri

    Well I’m not a mom yet. But I had good practice of potentially becoming a bad mom about 5 years ago when I was got so excited watching my baby cousin roll for the first few times that I forgot to actually stop him from rolling off the bed. I learned a valuable lesson after that…

    • http://www.okdani.com Dani

      ooh that’s a good one too!

  • http://www.lovelacefiles.blogspot.com Kathy C.

    haha… this made my day! I have one.
    Rolly Polly… Lay your little one on the couch so that the side he favors to roll onto is “into” the couch. Then line ottomans and pillows along the edge just in case… Now turn away and help your spouse hang a mirror on the other side of the room. Once you hear a “boom” turn around and admire your 5 month old sitting on the floor against the couch looking like he had the ride of his life…and you missed it.

    • http://www.okdani.com Dani

      Awesome. Bonus points if you don’t put pillows along the edge

  • Grace

    This was so funny. I actually laughed out loud at work. I’m going to enjoy this series. Now I have to get back to work!

  • http://www.skeeta.com skeeta

    Oh oh I wanna play! Enjoy your mini 2 door car by bumping your baby’s head on the door frame EVERY time you get into the car. As if you didn’t just do it 2 hours or the day and week before. Most of all, enjoy the loud SIGH and frustrated look your 5 mo old gives you as if to say “Seriously ma!? Every damn time!!!”

    • http://www.okdani.com Dani

      Ha!! i LOVE IT.

  • http://frommrstomom.blogspot.com/ Frommrstomom

    THis made me giggle. I may or may not have already passed lessons 1 & 2 so you might as well bring on some more!

  • http://anointedheels.com Lyne A

    OMG! when my oldest daughter was 6 months she was so careful we took her to the park the child patted the tiny baby slide before she crawl on it. she would sit up won’t even reach for a toy she was afraid of falling, so I trust the little heffa one day we’re abt to take mommy baby shower i sat her on top of the toilet sit for a quick sec just to check the water temp. she heard the water flowing and made a dive for it!!
    I caught her by her leg but still ended with a black eye *cover face in shame* the same week end I was going to my in laws and extended family to show off the baby. although the dr assure me it was a light skin bruise n she was fine I cried for 2 weeks LOL everytime somebody ask what is wrong with her eye

  • Reicha

    oh have I got a bunch of these to share. Too funny!

  • http://www.joytoknow.blogspot.com Mylah Stanton

    I’m going to stay tuned for this one! I’m sure I have lots of tips and tricks to add to the series! LOL

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  • AMW

    I’m not a parent yet but this series is making me feel better about the mishaps I’m sure to have since I’m not the most child savvy woman. Thanks!