“I know how this works,” I thought. “I go to the hospital, pop a baby out, look at his sweet face and immediately get gobsmacked with overpowering love and affection for the little one, solidifying our timeless bond as mother and child. All wrapped up with a shiny bow. And we all live happily ever after. The End”
*blank stare*
…..Instead, I was scared, tired, disappointed and slightly annoyed when I first laid eyes on my son. I was shaking violently as a reaction to the drugs I was given during my unplanned c-section. I couldn’t hold him. I could barely crane my neck enough to see his beautiful face clearly. When I was in recovery and shaking less I got to hold him. I was totally in awe of the little bundle, amazed that he was just inside me and now he’s out, and so…real. But I wasn’t overcome with emotion. I wasn’t in love.
I pictured the first time holding my son a million times in my mind. When I did, I pictured myself sobbing big fat crocodile tears of joy, holding him, smelling him, being overwhelmed and spiritually connected to this little being that I baked up in my oven for the past 40 weeks.
Instead, I was…. happy. Just happy. Only happy.
Happy? What a let down that was.
I did love him, though. I was grateful for him. But something was missing. And this broke my heart. I’d read stories online about babies who “hate” their mothers from birth, but feared I was a mother who didn’t have that deep true motherly love for her innocent child. I wept so hard that first night in the hospital. Already a failure at motherhood. (Thanks Hormones!)
I didn’t tell anyone, not even John or my mom how I was feeling. I was ashamed that I didn’t love him more or feel more connected to him. I thought they’d think I wasn’t fit to be a mother, and I didn’t want to be judged.
My love grew for Rohan with every passing minute that I spent staring at him and caring for him. However, it wasn’t until my son’s fourth day of life that I had the overwhelming spiritual experience I assumed I would have at first sight.
I had just changed his tiny diaper and laid him on the bed next to me and was staring at him (as usual) but I got an urge to strip him naked outta nowhere. So I did. And as I looked at his tiny soft squirmy naked body it hit me! It was physical, it was spiritual, it was deep, it was overwhelming, and it was much needed. I couldn’t stop crying joyful, awestruck tears. My body felt vibratey like (don’t judge me) I was on ecstacy, or in the middle of an intensely deep meditation. I was pulled to scoop him up and just hold him tight to my chest.
I don’t know how long I sat there with him smashed up against me, just crying and letting the crazy sensations wash over and through me, but I do know that when I set him down again I was covered with pee and so was the bed. I just laugh/cried and changed him again.
A few days later I was reading about mommyhood online and found that many women don’t have that love at first sight with their children. For some it seems to come after a while, developing slowly but surely as mommy and baby get to know each other. For others it seems to just be delayed and then hit them all at once like a mack truck. I guess I’m in the latter group.
I finally told some mom friends of mine about this, and while most of them said the mack truck of love hit them right away, I had a few who admitted to not having love at first sight. One of my friends said, “It’s like any other relationship for me, the love had to grow.”
That made so much sense!. I am glad I don’t have the romanticized love at first sight expectation anymore. I’ll be a lot easier on myself when we have baby #2.
(yes, I know my first is only a month old, and YES I am already thinking ahead to #2, sue me.)
Did you fall in love at first sight with your little one or did the love have to grow?
PS Thanks for all the lovely emails ladies!! I really appreciate them. I’ll catch up with the blog posts asap!
and although i’ve never experienced this before i could feel every emotion you felt.
seriously, this is a beautifully well-written post.
Thanks so much, Faith!! (I was nervous posting this…but figured I’ve been posting personal stuff a lot more these days so why not!)
I felt the same way with my son when I had him. I just was not ready and the emotions didn’t hit me until he was about maybe a month. My hubs the emotion hit him immediately but I was so busy trying to handle everything that I took no time to relax and really see my son. I am glad you are doing good and cherish these moments they grow fast
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John said the connection was instant for him as well. I guess it’s just different for men. “relax and see your son” I love it. That’s what it is isn’t it…really seeing (and experiencing) them.
Wow, I would have thought the love owuld be instanteous for most mothers. I guess I never thought of any other alternative. Interesting and revealing post.
That’s what I was thinking too!
On the lack of instantaneous love: I read that having the mother hold the baby immediately(like in the 1st hour!) after they are born can help forge that bond. They called it the “golden hour”. Apparently it releases the hormone oxytocin, so you feel the love and connection. Of course this is easier said than done, they take the child away to clean him or maybe the mother is too exhausted etc. On day four, you had already spent time with him, so I guess it makes sense for all the emotions to come through.
Wooow… speechless (in a good way). I dive right into your words as I read them. I had a friend that had postpartum depression. She told me of a time when she had an overwhelming sensation to throw the baby down the stairs. At first I was thinking,”This heffa is cray!” but them I researched PPD and found that it is definitely real. It took her a while before she told her mom what she was feeling. But it wasnt until she told someone when she received help. I know she loved her child but it was a different type of battle she was dealing with that made her feel that way. I said all that to say this, every woman is wired differently to feel differently. Im glad you brought awareness this is so that another struggling mother doesn’t feel ashamed to say something to someone.
Can’t wait to see more pics of the cutie
OMG poor thing. I’m glad she got help! Yes, we’re all different (thankfully) and everyone’s journey is unique. But sidebar: i cannot imagine throwing my lil sharkie anywhere… but I do daydream of having magical powers to put a spell on him that makes his crying silent
Awww! That’s beautiful
I think it was gradual with all of mine but my third. I had my best delivery with her, no epidural and I was very “zen” and present the whole time. The other two times, it was a different story. It was like I had to come out of a haze first and see the miracle that was in front of me.
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THIS!! “It was like I had to come out of a haze first and see the miracle that was in front of me.”
I hope i get to be all zenned out, drug free and present for baby #2
I can completely relate. I felt the same way with my first two. I did enjoy the process of falling in love with them though.
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I had an unplanned C section with my first as well and I don’t think what happened to me after that hellish delivery processed until I was home. I loved him so much then maybe a month later I remember briefly thinking to myself while my husband and I were having dinner out that I wasn’t ready and wished we would’ve waited. That was fleeting but babies are such an adjustment.
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I have never felt that instant connection either but the protect instinct was there from day one. With my first, it took about two weeks to fall madly in love (I was young, scared and trying to figure myself out as well as unsure of my ability to manage a baby too).
With my second, it was about a week. By this point I was a little more confident in my ability).
With my third, about three weeks. Personal admission to you since you shared yours – the reason I think it took so long to connect with him was because I was depressed for three months after I found out he was a boy. I wanted a girl SOOO badly because I thought for sure that was my last chance and never saw myself with 4. I guess I had hoped the ultrasound was wrong. I beat myself up while pregnant and right after he was born for feeling such selfish things. I had to remind myself it was a HEALTHY baby that mattered NOT the sex. After that, I was all his!
God must have appreciated my humbleness, because then he granted me my heart’s desire. With my last – my ONLY girl – it was love at first sight. I’d waited on her for 13 yrs by this time so I’d fallen in love before she was even born.
So don’t ever apologize for ‘your feelings’. Parenthood is not one size fits all. Everyone feels and experiences different things at different intervals in time. As long as he safe, is loved and cared for, that is all that matters.
Awwww *HUG*
I loved my kids before they even came out of the womb. However, it took time for me to fall in love with them. Being in the hospital having people coming and going just didn’t allow me the opportunity to properly bond with them right away. Not to mention, I was super tired and mostly slept like they did.
When we got home and I was able to spend solid alone time with each of them that’s when I felt a real connection. I’m glad that you know that you’re not alone in because a lot of moms think that they are or that something is wrong with them. And that’s not the case.
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I did not with my second one. Actually, my husband and I confessed to each other, several months later, that we thought he was ugly. (uh oh, now the proof is documented). Didn’t mean I didn’t love him though. But that overwhelming infatuation that i had with the first one? Well, it just wasnt there And now, my husband must fight him for my attention. He’s my favorite boy of all time and I think he’s gorgeous. (hmmm, two documented confessions). But boy, in the beginning….
Lol @Mikxtr, I don’t think you should apologize. I’ve seen a mom say she thought her baby was wrinkly and not all that pretty, and she happens to love her children. I think some kids don’t have that “awww cute!” photogenic look from day one, it comes later as the personality develops.
When I had my daughter, I was at a loss. After all the pushing and seeing a stranger crying, I was like “finally, now I can rest.” Then 5 minutes later it hit me, “oh man, I’m responsible for her.”
I think with her the love had to grow, it’s like with any new relationship. I was completely amazed that my body produced another person, and looking at her now I’m still amazed.
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It took about a week for me to fall in love with both of my children. I know exactly how you feel. I had an unplanned c-section as well with my first. I didn’t fall in love until family left and I was home by myself with him alone.