Losing Yourself to Motherhood

My lil man’s baby shower was this Saturday (I’ll post on that when I get some pics to show ya) and at the party I was told “Be prepared to say bye to Dani. You’re going to lose your identity once he gets here and you’ll just be Mommy.”

This person went on to tell me how I’ll go X amount of time without a shower, walk around in vomitty clothes, never get a chance to eat or sleep, not take care of myself (brush teeth, comb hair), etc…etc…

I know she wasn’t being a “hater” or coming from a negative place because this is what she went through when her kids were born.  I do feel she was sincerely trying to just let me know what (she feels) I’m in for.


I don’t think that’s going to be me.  I really don’t.

Am I naive?

I know it’s going to be HARD work after bringing baby home from the hospital, I know I’ll be sleepless in seattle for a while and have a lot to adjust to.  After the first couple months I’m sure I’ll have my act together for the most part and be able to do my mommy duties, my home duties, my biz duties and still be Dani.  I don’t think there would be a time where I wouldn’t just change my T-shirt if it was barfed on or yank my hair up into a bun if I was looking raggedy.

Am I being realistic?

Did you “lose yourself” to motherhood?

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Mom of two, Wife, Life & Wellness Coach, Blogger, Writer, Laughter lover, Motivator, Quasi Health Nut, Vacation Addict, Hair Care Junkie, Beach Bum Wannabe. Writes about parenting, wellness, and marriage here and on other sites.


  1. says

    I really hope you can do it all. I couldn’t… I was so lost in myself that it took my sister to take me to lunch and pretty much tell me that I looked a hot mess and needed to get it together. My world revolved around my sweet baby. And I still struggle with it 16 months later. But since I’m pregnant again, I hope I can balance a bit better this time around.

  2. says

    I was lost but I think it depends on the amount of help you have and the support. I don’t have any family near me and my hubs family does not help out with the kids so I became lost still am in a way but it’s gotten a little better.

  3. says

    I don’t think I lost myself. I loved who I became after having my first child. I embraced it. Every major life change brings some degree of evolution. I am not the same girl I was before I was married or had children. I will say pieces of me have survived and those are the aspects I chose to preserve.

  4. says

    umh vomit shirt, no shower? no siree! then again I have a super power call “my mother” and my husband help out a lot.
    so I never went thru vomit shirt and no shower. I did put myself in the back bunner when it come to shopping, i’d always get stuff for the baby n nothing for me so my husband cleverly start buying me stuff so it was all good :)

  5. says

    I’ll be blatantly honest and say that I can’t stand when people tell me this… especially men. It’s like they’ve already deemed my existence before I’ve had a chance to experience it myself. I understand it will be hard… but I don’t like being told that “this is how it will be… because it was for them”. I literally have a coworker (and neighbor) who comes into my office every day and tells me he can’t wait till he sees me walking around with four kids staring off in the distance with rollers in my hair yelling for my husband to help me. Seriously…he says stories like this everyday… so annoyed.{rant over..lol} Honestly, everyone is different…has different support systems/coping mechanisms. The best thing you can do is your best. :)

  6. Romy says

    Did she have triplets? I had twins and lots of help from my mom and I didn’t sleep for the 1st year BUT I did not loose myself….you will be fine, you have plenty of family support and a great hubby :)

  7. says

    It really depends Dani. When we had our first child in NYC, I went through the worst stage in the first three months, but that’s to be expected, since you may have to live off less that 5 hrs of sustained sleep, depending on your baby’s sleep habits. I went through the same rhythm with the second, 3 months of heck, then started to get it together again – although with less money for My clothes.
    But by number 3, they outnumbered us. It was definitely hello disposable diapers, goodbye disposable income! However, we really feel like “a real family”, and like Cookin’ Mom said, you evolve and look at things very differently. They make us feel ‘rich’ in a whole new way. Think of how differently you view the world as a married woman, than as a mingling single. Same difference. Your life will change a bit, but that’s why you’re having a baby. It will take some adjustment, but ultimately you will love it.

  8. Tola says

    I won’t go as far as saying Iost myself but yes there are a number of days when I’m like I can’t be bothered to look great! That said every baby is unique so yes it is unfair to say this is what will happen. But either way enjoy you’re freedom now!!! :-)

  9. says

    She may have been hating but she wasn’t lying. It’s really hard being a first time mother. Your fears, your inexperience, your peeps telling you how to do everything….it can be overwhelming. You can get lost and you can be unsure but it IS hard and it IS an adjustment that will take time to get used to.

    That baby will run the house and you will need to adjust whether it’s a 4 or 5 months or a year….don’t sweat it and don’t feel like you have to master everything. Enjoying that baby is too important to be worried if the damn dishes aren’t washed right away or you haven’t had the chance to shower during the day. Remember it takes time to become a mother. It won’t happen overnight.

  10. says

    I lost myself. And had the nerve to have 2 babies back to back. No, but really, there is a moment where you lose yourself but its not bad. Well, its not if you catch yourself. (I caughtmyself after 6-9 mos.) Its almost impossible NOT to lose yourself in your first baby. You comfort every cry and the first 2-3 mos. that cry is every 2 hrs, EVERYDAY. You don’t shower sometimes b/c between that 2-hr span, you’re either pumping, eating or catching a nap. Evenings and weekends will be when you catch yourself again when your hubs is on duty. Enjoy losing yourself for the short time that it lasts, bc they grow quickly and you will wish you lost yourself in the fresh love.
    If it helps, make a daily to-do list for yourself for those 2-3 mos., but when that baby is born and comes home, it sprinkles something on you!!!
    Oh and to get a shower, you may just need to take the bassinet in the bathroom with you. :-)

  11. says

    I think a lot of women lose themselves the first couple of months. I know I did. I didn’t have help from my mom and Mr. C had to go back to work. There were days when I just didn’t know what to do with myself. But after a while, you get the hang of it and into the swing of things. You just need to find your groove.

  12. says

    People use to tell me this all the time. Hubby and I traveled like crazy before we had kids and they warned us that we wouldn’t be able to do things, blah blah. I think the first few months are very trying and your focus is on the baby (breastfeeding, welfare, growth). Once you get the hang of things and have a good routine going, things get easier. I didn’t put any make for 3 months but after that I was back to my normal self. We were back to traveling by the time the baby was 4 months (it’s a different type of travel but we still have a great time with our baby in tow.) My baby has been on plane more times than a lot of adults have and he is not even two yet.

  13. says

    Hey girl, it is challenging but you can do it. The first month when he’s a newborn it’s really tough but things start getting better around week 6. Lots of people told me that and it was so true. I am very much in love with my baby but I made a promise to myself and my husband before we even got pregnant that we will take the time to invest in other things that are important to us (like each other). The newborn stage is challenging as your body is healing and you have this new baby that you have to care for. It was tougher for me because I couldn’t work out. I went on regular walks but as soon as he turned 8 weeks I went back to my regular exercise routine. AND I feel great–although still tired at times. There were a few times when I looked and felt like a mess but it was not on the regular. It was important for me to maintain my health and sanity.

  14. Anikra Holland says

    Hi Dani,

    I am a new follower of your blog…Love it (was looking at natural hair websites and stumbled on yours)! Anywho, it all depends on the person. I am a single mother and when I had my daughter her father and I was not in the best space so I had to do it all on my own and on top of that she was a super preemie! But I did not and still have not lost my self to motherhood 6 years later. Even though I am a single mother, I have a great support system and I make sure I do stuff for me, even when she was a baby because I am not just a mother. Like I said, its all depends on the person and that is one thing I refuse to do.

  15. Life As Wife says

    I did lose myself in the beginning but then you find a new self – an even better one than you were before and you find your stride.

    Always make time for yourself too and you’ll never lose yourself.

  16. alisa says

    if you are trying to breastfeed exclusively and parent by meeting demands as your baby makes them you will get lost in being a mommy. and yes you may have spit up on your shirt or you might rock a 8 day old bun but all that will matter to you is that your baby is happy healthy and thriving. You will also have a supportive partner hopefully who can babysit when you really need a quick shower.

  17. Mickey says

    I don’t think she was hating. It’s a common conversation among mothers. It probably wasn’t wise to say it, because everyone’s experience is different: different support; different babies; different daily needs; etc.

    The only thing I would say is, if you think you can get back to life like it is today, then, yes, you’re being naive. I promise change. What you do with it is up to you.

    And I swear, I ain’t hatin! Congratulations! Holding my brand new babies was two of the best moments of my life. I’m VERY happy my life changed.

  18. says

    It is very challenging to not get lost in the baby. I think your DH will probably help you. There are lots of times when mine calls/texts to remind me to feed myself, and when he comes home he tells me to go take a shower while he manages the baby. My son is 6 weeks and I’m slowly starting to be able to do more than just care for him.

  19. says

    I couldn’t say. But I do that I’m afraid of losing myself when I get married. NOt really that I will lose my personality but more of my identity. There will no longer be a “me” or “I”. It will soon be “us” . I will not longer be individually me, but a married women part of a pair.

    Granted I don’t have any children, but I do think you will adjust well into motherhood, identity and all.

  20. says

    I think you do lose yourself in the beginning…but you choose if you stay lost or not. Just remember to always take care of yourself too! I think that is where new moms get lost, they forget about self and honestly never go back to find it.
    You may never be the same as you were pre baby but you can be better. ;)

  21. says

    i think it’s only natural to lose yourself to some degree but as a friend was telling me the importance of remembering yourself in motherhood and doing the things you used to enjoy.

  22. Tee says

    I definitely got lost in newborn land and for awhile thereafter and it’s OK. For me, it’s not a negative. I was becoming a mother. To give my LO the best care, I have to sacrifice some of my wants and needs. It can be difficult to do it all. Instead of trying to keep things the same and balance baby around my life, it is the other way around. Yes, I’m still myself but an evolved version. I’m a mom.


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