“It’s impossible for you to get pregnant naturally.”

Our TTC Journey – September 23, 2011 to October 12, 2011

1/11/12 – I wasn’t sure if I should post this entry….but, it’s my life, my blog and the truth soooo….here goes.  But…wait….now that I’m pregnant, I avoid reading anything about miscarriage or anything negative re: pregnancy.  While we were TTC, I was avoiding reading anything about infertility (except Nini’s blog) so If you’re TTC and not reading anything about problems of any kind, don’t read this…even though there’s a happy ending.

WARNING: This will be the longest post EVER. 

Written September 23, 2011

Because I haven’t shared any of this yet, I’m getting the “don’t wait too long to see your doctor” and “have you looked into options” and “is John’s sperm OK?” comments from well meaning friends and I can’t really give a detailed response.  There would be no way to avoid the convo.  In my head I’m like STFU it’s only been a couple months!!  But, I want to keep the energy around our fertility issues as “clean” and unsullied as possible.  For now, the less people that know the better. Just me, Johnny and my Mom (who I probably shouldn’t have told yet) and my one friend who’s going through infertility issues herself and is knowledgeable and “gets” it.

That said….I’m writing this entry for the future.  I’m writing this for the day I hit my 3rd or 4th glorious month of pregnancy and am sharing our news with all of our family and friends.  I’m guessing with any luck that’ll be around March 2012.

Here goes:

I got off the pill in January, we were not trying for real until June 2011.  When we didn’t have luck in a few months, August I figured I should see my doc just to make sure before we go any further that everything was OK on my end…plus my period was super heavy/painful which scared me a lil.  I went to her and told her what was up. She referred me to a radiologist to have an HSG done on September 8.

HSG is a hysterosalpingogram (say that 5 times fast) a test to see if your tubes are open and uterus is free and clear…where a dye is released into your uterus and flows through your fallopian tubes and spills out at the ends and it’s all captured via x-ray.  Well…that’s what happens in ideal cases.  In my case, my tubes were blocked and not visible and all you could see on the screen was a sad triangle uterus (it was cute tho! But still sad).  Both of those buggars were blocked.  The process was uncomfortable, probably doubly so because I was anxious.  I cried my eyes out, read my results seventeen thousand times, thinking somehow I was reading it wrong…..but whenever I closed my eyes I saw the screenshots of my cute lil triangular uterus….and no tubage. at. all.

FML

I spent the majority of this month faking smiles and being a complete nervous, anxious, sad wreck.  Worrying about what this means, what our options are, if we’ll ever have children, if we could afford whatever our options would be etc.  I cried all the time.  I read more about infertility and the various treatments than I ever had before.  I couldn’t focus on work, or anything.  I just wondered what this meant for us.

On September 22 I saw a fertility specialist who performed a sonogram on my uterus (put a lil sonogram camera thingy up my nani and looked around in there for anything troublesome) discussed my HSG results, planned a saline version of the HSG (I forget the name of that procedure right now) and told me, bad news: It’s impossible for me to get pregnant naturally.  Good news: My uterus looks clear (so far) so implantation shouldn’t be a problem.

Then he gave us our two options:

1. Laproscopic Surgery – where they’d go in through my bellybutton and open up the tubes.  But couldn’t guarantee how long they would stay open, and put me at higher risk for ectopic pregnancy (where the egg/sperm attach in the tube instead of in the uterus where it belongs)

2. IVF – where I’d take lots of shots of drugs for a month, get my eggs taken out, assessed, mixed with johns swimmers and popped back in to hopefully bake up a baby.  But couldn’t guarantee I’d get preggo, though I was a good candidate.  Also this option costs a bajillion dollars…..he did suggest this and let us know that it was our best option.

He forgot option number 3: Get a second opinion.

While researching fertility places on my own we found one spot that has the highest IVF success rates in the state, and decided to make that our second opinion spot, and if IVF really is the best option, we’d at least already be familiar with the doctor and the facility.

That brings us up to today, September 23, 2011.  I’m here looking up the financials of this procedure just to be prepared for what lays ahead.  My insurance doesn’t cover infertility treatments, and our pharmacy plan doesn’t cover infertility meds.  FMLx2.

I’ve called several places with good success rates for pricing just for shits and giggles.  It seems a round of IVF (w/ freezing of extra eggies) costs about $12,000-18,000 (including meds) in this bleeping town! Then if you need additional rounds with your frozen eggs its $3,000-4,000.

I make a decent salary and am an aggressive saver, but this is a big chunka money!  Our #1 fertility spot (RMANY.com btw) told us about arcfertility.com which offers packages…that can make the burden slightly lighter. (sliiightly…as in barely.)

Also, NYC offers IVF grants….but RMA’s is all tapped out.  As is NYU, Cornel and Columbia.  All reputable names….but with lower live birth rates post IVF than RMA.

OK.  So there’s the details, the technical stuff…the practical info.

But here’s the emotional side:

I feel fucking broken. BROKEN. I feel like the one thing I’m put here to do, I’m not capable of doing.  Just broken.  And it’s GUTTING ME!  And it’s making me want to punch every pregnant lady I see right in her happy fat face.  I know it’s awful.  But I feel awful.  I now know what it means when people say they could come apart at the seams at any moment.  I’m always two seconds from bursting into tears.  I’m just gutted and sad and scared and worried and nervous and anxious and lonely. (John is being super supportive and positive and just exactly what I need, but nobody can fix this kind of broken…and somewhere deep down I feel like he’s angry about it and has no where to turn to let that out either)

I just pray IVF works for me.

***************************************************************

Written: September 29, 2011

I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was positive.

Yes, you just read that.

Backing up the truck…..My period was due on Sat/Sun…it’s now Thursday.  I’ve got light cramping, and have had it all week, but no period yet.  I took a test for some reason thinking I had a magical immaculate conception baby growing in me knowing that if I took the test, my period would come…since that’s how it worked every month we’ve been TTCing…..but then I saw two lines. *dumfounded*

Took another test. *dumberfounded*

I had spent all week researching RE’s, IVF, Laproscopy, Infertility, Blocked Tubes, etc etc etc. After reading all of it, downloading it and playing back what happened/what was said by doctors I decided that:

  • a second opinion was definitely necessary in the worst way, first RE was super IVF-happy
  • my HSG report said patency could not be verified not that my tubes were not patent. (that gave me hope)
  • laproscopy may work though for how long it’s not clear, and may be able to be covered by insurance if I get a doc to agree to say it was diagnostic or for endometriosis and not for infertility
  • since post-laproscopic patients are monitored so frequently it’s not as likely that an ectopic pregnancy would reach a dangerous level. (It’s not ideal to have one, but it’s nice to know that if it did happen it wouldn’t go very far.)

Despite that, I prepared myself for the worst.  Made a mega savings plan, started looking for more clients, looking for a 2nd gig, downsized our Vegas trip bigtime *sniffle*, and researched inexpensive pharmacy options.  Found the best IVF success rates and it’s still RMA no matter where I search and figured out how I’d pay for it and depending on my cycle when we’d start treatment.  We have an appointment for a consultation at RMA on October 11th when return from our vacay.  I decided to put away all IVF thoughts/plans/emotions until then.  I felt sad and disappointed and still broken…but armed with info and a plan I felt a lot less gutted.

And then Boom.  I see two lines on this test!

I did what any loving wife would do at this point…I ran to the bedroom, threw the lights on and woke my sleeping husband and shoved a pissy stick in his face.  ”Do you see the line baby? There’s two lines! Do you see it? do you see it? huh huh huh?!! See it?! Do you see the lines?!”   (who wouldn’t want to be awakened in that manner?)

John yelled “NO!” and rolled over and covered his head with the blanket.

womp womp.  I immediately thought I was seeing things.  I wondered if I had turned into those obsessed women *COUGH*onjustmommies.com*COUGH* who convince themselves there’s a line where there clearly isn’t.  But nooo….it’s really there…I SEE it….right? Right?

(later in the day John called me at work and told me he saw the lines….I guess he was just being mean from his lovely wake up call)

I’d convinced myself that my period was late because of my stress level and was pushing it out of my mind.  But alas, my drawerful of unused preggotests won the battle and I peed on the damn stick.  Drank a bottle of water and peed on a next one.  Now I’m cautiously hopeful that I have a magical baby baking up in there!  Because I’m neurotic I’ll probably test every morning until I either:

a) get my period

b) get a negative test

c) reach October 11th for our 2nd opinion without going insane.

So that’s where things stand today.

*HOPEFUL HANNAH SIDEBAR* If indeed I am pregnant, I’d have a summer baby!  I’m just sayin.

*DEBBIE DOWNER SIDEBAR* If I’m really not preggo and the test was a fluke or ends up being a chemical pregnancy (read: really early miscarriage) I’m going to burn my tests as well as burn the company that makes them to the ground.

ok i wont really do that. but i’ll think about it in a very detailed way and plan it all out.

***********************************************************************************

Written: Friday, September 30, 2011

I took another pregnancy test this morning and the line was darker than yesterday’s.  I didn’t abuse my husband this time.  I just left the test on the sink for him to see.  I emailed my doctor the whole story (an abbreviated version of what’s above) and asked if she thought I should come in for a blood test in a week or so, after Vegas of course.   I guess I really am not believing this could be happening.

Her response: “WHOA!! Come in today!! I’m here 10-5!”

*GULP*

All day at work my head is spinning.  I can’t focus on anything.  All I can think about is if I’m really pregnant, and how? and oh my god I drank, oh my god I ate so much sushi, omg I haven’t been taking my prenatals, omg now I can’t get laser hair removal (i know…shutup), omg i haven’t taken my folic acids, omg I haven’t been drinking water, omg I took so many advils, omg I’m not working out enough, omg I this, omg I that, omg I omg I omg omg omg.

I am scared to believe yet worried at the same time.

To calm myself from going completely insane I start a mantra, “I am pregnant and my baby is healthy.” and say it a trillion times in my head during the work day.

I get to her office, pee in a cup and wait.

She comes in and takes some info from me and then breaks me into little bitty pieces.

“You’re not pregnant.”

I just stared at her.  And I’m like …. “but…I am pregnant and my baby is healthy!” (like a dumbass)

Then she started to explain chemical pregnancies and how they’re common…and bla bla bla….and I say again (like a dumbass) “but I’m pregnant and my baby is healthy!” (i may or may not have yelled it this time)

So she decided to get her nurse in to give me a blood test. Most likely to shut my simple behind up.

They take my blood and the nurse says she’ll call with my results on Monday.  ”But It’s Friday you cruel bitch!” (I didn’t say that, but I thought it in a mean voice!) That’s a long ass wait.

I’m on the verge of tears and want to stab everybody, but I polite myself up, thank the doc and start to leave.

My doctor pulls me aside as I’m leaving and says “I’ll get the results around 11 tomorrow, I will be sure to email you as soon as I get them OK?”

“OK” I squeaked (seriously it was a squeak)

Burst into tears and ugly crying as soon as i’m on the elevator and call John.

F. M. L. and F mantras. F every effing thing.

****************************************************************************************

Written: Saturday October 1, 2011

My plan today was to get my mind OFF of possible pregnancy.  I went to brunch with my friend Vanessa (But checked my phone eight thousand times during the meal) and then went to get mani/pedis.

I checked my phone fiftyeleven times there too.

At 1:15 I get an email from my doctor.

Subject: Pregnant

I didn’t even read the rest of the email before I got all giggedygeeked.  I was getting a pedicure at this point and just shouted down at Elsa, I’m pregnant!!! EMBARAZADA!!  Vanessa came over to give me hugs and took a picture with me and the official news on the phone lol.

I then read the email and she was just telling me my levels are good and she’s not sure what was up w/ her test, and scheduling some future visits and hcg level monitoring….

I wanted to jump out of that pedicure seat and do somersaults up and down the salon.  And I totally would have, if my feet weren’t wet….and I knew how to do a somersault.

Instead I called John.

I said – “Hi Daddy”

He shouted – “REALLY?!!! REAALLLY??!!!  I knew it I knew it I knew it!!!”  Then he started cussing out all the doctors we’ve been to, calling them all kinds of MFers and whatnot.

I started to cry.  (I cried more this month than I’ve ever cried in life.)

(sidebar:  when I was a lil girl I cried for everything, and my mom told me a story about a girl named No Tears Tanya who cried so much she ran out of tears and couldn’t cry when she really needed to, so I wouldn’t “waste” my tears on foolishness.  HA!!!  I think I believed her.)

I called my parents and told them the latest news, but didn’t tell my brother, just in case anything happens.  As happy and excited as I am, I’m still nervous.

I went shopping afterward and while browsing baby things (don’t judge me, I didn’t actually buy anything) I get a random text from my friend Kim, “You should go get acupuncture from my cousin, she helps a lot of people get pregnant!”  I wanted to reply “Too late beeyotch I gots a baby on board!! Waahooooo!”  But instead I was just like “Thanks, I’ll consider it.”

hehe

***********************************************************

Written: Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I had blood drawn yesterday before heading to the airport.  Today’s email from my doctor said my hcg levels have jumped from 160s to 1000s in 5 days and were looking good!!  I’ve been testing every single morning since my first blood test just to see if the line gets darker than the control line.  I know that’s not exactly scientific and accurate like a blood test, but it was making me feel better to see that line every morning getting darker and darker.

I’m really excited, but also nervous and anxious.  My main worry is an ectopic pregnancy, and second worry is a miscarriage of any sort.  We had a sonogram scheduled for Friday the 14th, but we’ve decided to change doctors (to one more convenient,  time and location-wise) so we now wait until the 18th to meet with the new doctor for the first time.  Longest wait of my life!

********************************************************************************

October 12, 2011

I started this post thinking it would be one loooooooong post to take me from September to January and through IVF and all that drama….instead I get a happy surprise!  Hallelujah!!

I’m so grateful that September’s diagnosis was incorrect and our TTC journey was as short as it was.  I have read about a lot of women who get pregnant on the cycle they have an HSG done.  Maybe my tubes were blocked and somehow the procedure opened them up?  Maybe the procedure wasn’t done well?  I dunno…

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to have gone on the long fertility journeys some women unfortunately face.  If one month of drama had me going crazy, I can’t imagine one year, or more.  My heart has always gone out to women who have had infertility issues…but now the little taste (barely a nibble really) of the issue I faced makes me feel that much more for all those tough women going through it.  It’s just heartbreaking. Hell, it’s lifebreaking.  HUGS and love to anyone reading this going through it right now.  You guys are so strong.

Well, I am 6 weeks and 3 days along today (but who’s counting) and I feel like the luckiest and the happiest woman on earth.  So I guess I can let this post go bye bye and post it after I announce my pregnancy.

I pray every day that this baby is healthy and strong.  My fingers will stay crossed…likely until the day my lil bunny pops out.

——————————————————————-

What I learned from this:

  • I am more fragile emotionally than I ever thought. (But I’m still gangsta dammit!)
  • John is the best partner/friend/lover/co-D/ in the world (for me!)
  • Never accept a first opinion, always get a second (hell even a third)
  • Always make a plan of action (and hopefully you wont need it)
  • Don’t stop having sex in the face of bad fertility news (if we had, there’d be no Embry!)
  • Educate yourself as much as you can and research on your own (even if just to calm your mind)
  • Find someone you can vent/cry/wail/talk/whine to. Don’t bottle everything up.
  • Miracles happen
  • Dreams come true

Resources:

Thanks for reading this long ass pictureless post…

 Have you had any incorrect diagnoses from doctors in the past?  How long was your TTC Journey?  Any bumps in the road?  

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Mom of two, Wife, Life & Wellness Coach, Blogger, Writer, Laughter lover, Motivator, Quasi Health Nut, Vacation Addict, Hair Care Junkie, Beach Bum Wannabe. Writes about parenting, wellness, and marriage here and on other sites.

About Dani

Mom of two, Wife, Life & Wellness Coach, Blogger, Writer, Laughter lover, Motivator, Quasi Health Nut, Vacation Addict, Hair Care Junkie, Beach Bum Wannabe.
Writes about parenting, wellness, and marriage here and on other sites.

  • http://www.thiscooknmom.blogspot.com This Cookn’ Mom

    Wow. Thanks for sharing this part of your life with us. I just went through all the emotions while reading this. Conception, labor, birth..it’s all a miracle. Your story is truly amazing. What a special baby you have there!

    I do not know why so many doctors are quick to tell others that they can not conceive naturally. I have known several women that this had happened to and ended up getting pregnant naturally 1-4x over.

  • http://peacentruth1207.blogspot.com/ An Jo

    Good Luck & God Bless.
    I felt like you were living my life. I haven’t had my happy ending yet, but thanks for the inspiration. You are going to have a healthy baby!

  • http://peacentruth1207.blogspot.com/ I AM Inspired

    God Bless
    I felt like you were living my life, and telling my story. The journey we travel, the reward is always worth. You are going to have a beautiful healthy baby. Be Inspired!

  • http://becomingafamilyofthree.blogspot.com Mrs. V

    When I was around 14 or 15, I was having extremely horrible menstrual cycles. Like, so bad that I couldn’t get up off of the bathroom floor. My doctor was concerned about ovarian cysts, so she sent me for an ultrasound. The tech was SO MEAN! She was really rough in both actions and demeanor, and told me that I would never be able to have children. As someone who has wanted to be a mother as soon as I could say the word, it broke my heart. I held on to her words for years, actually, up until the day that my daughter was born. I know one thing for sure, people are imperfect. They can try to diagnose you with things, but at the end of the day, it is never 100%. I’m so glad that Baby H is on the way! Thank you for sharing your story!!

    • http://www.okdani.com Dani

      Oh my gosh that must’ve been so scary to hear!

  • http://shoestringliving.wordpress.com/ starr

    Thanks for sharing your miracle story

  • http://www.lifeasmrsh.com Mrs.H

    Wow, even though I know we texted and talked on google a bit to actually read your emotions was awing (sp….is that even a word). You know my feelings on your docs from the get go, I thought they were wack and wrong…turns out they were both. I’m so happy for you and John and can’t wait to see this emby next year!

  • http://pvtfamily.blogspot.com/ pegster

    Wow, Dani, thanks for sharing your story. It’s funny how common these feeling are yet there is some sort of taboo around them.
    I think that every women who is TTC her first child (heck any child but the first for sure) worries at some point particularly if she doesn’t get pregnant within a month.
    I love that this was a happy ending story and that they were completely wrong.

  • Faith

    wow, thanks for sharing this! i am so happy for your ending! truly the perfect ending and such a miracle! God loves you for sure :)

  • http://www.infinitelifefitness.com Stephanie

    o wow. yes thanks for sharing your story with us!!

    http://mscomposure.blogspot.com

  • http://hairiamworld.com Shika

    I read every single word and I am sooooooo happy for you! My partner and I haven’t started TTCing yet (uh, that won’t be for at least another 3-4 years!!) but it’s good to see women who are able to conceive even when told there is no chance!

    Can’t wait until Embry makes his debut!! =D

  • http://msbabyplan.blogspot.com TOI

    Wow, it felt like re-reading my stress of ttc post. the waiting, the fear of infertility and then the surprising POSITIVE, is a rollercoaster journey that will always be part of this baby making journey.

    thanks for sharing.

    • http://www.okdani.com Dani

      You were diagnosed w/ infertility too?!

      • http://msbabyplan.blogspot.com TOI

        No, but after 10 months of ttc I was so scared and I would have gone for further tests after the 12month but thank God after the 11month it was +.

  • http://www.figuregirlworld.com Kari

    Thank you so much for being so open and sharing your story! I’m so glad things turned out so well and you have your little miracle on the way!

  • http://lifeloveandpuppyprints.blogspot.com/ Carolyn

    It’s so cool that you kept this post as a memory of your journey! I’m so happy for you guys!! :)

  • skeeta

    This was so honest! That’s what I luv most about ur blog, honest and funny! And the most hilarious but “real” part “And it’s making me want to punch every pregnant lady I see right in her happy fat face” I can totally laugh b/c I’m fat faced and pregs now but its that raw emotion (and a little selfishness) that we all have at times that makes me appreciate the line. Thanks 4 sharing!

  • hp

    Thank you for sharing this. Around the time you got your BFP, I got one also. At 10 weeks I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage and had to have a D and C–I had been lurking on your blog and that was around the time you announced so I was in the “everyone’s getting lucky but me” mode. Reading this gave me a new perspective–that everyone may be lucky, but I don’t know the backstory and I shouldn’t despair that I won’t ever have a success. Here’s to hope for next month for me and a great pregnancy for you.

  • Katie

    Well I’m not sure if it’s possible but this makes me even MORE excited for you! Thanks for sharing brave girl.

  • goddessey

    I was so moved by your post that it didn’t seem long at all.
    Your palpable desire to be a mother is so strong, unlike anyone I’ve ever encountered. If anyone ever deserved such a miracle, it’s you. I’m so happy that you didn’t have to endure a long, painful ordeal in trying to conceive your little Embry.

  • http://www.okdani.com Dani

    Oh…thank you SO MUCH girls.

  • Reicha

    Your story is truely proof that sometimes doctors are wrong. There was another plan for you and John and this is it. I cried in the middle of reading this. Im such an emotional wreck these days and this story definitely tugs at your heart strings knowing how excited you guys were to become parents. I am so happy we can be bump buddies. We will have healthy pregnancies and healthy, perfect babies!!!!

  • http://mylovelypurplepearls.blogspot.com/ Yolanda

    Your story is inspiring. Sorry you had to go through all of that emotion but you have a bambino cooking so I’m sure you are grateful for the struggle! Congrats!

    I am not in the TTC mode but if I ever encounter this problem, I’ll know that there is a resource out there to turn to!

  • http://blog.msdsonline.com/feed/ Angel Collins

    No doubt. It was really a long post but it’s worth the read. I am happy to hear that you’re actually having a baby and I wish at the same time that it will be a healthy baby. I can say this is miracle. God Bless and stay positive. :)

  • Pingback: It’s The Best Month Of The Year! | Ok, Dani

  • http://www.weatheranchormama.com Weather Anchor Mama

    Thanks so much for sharing your story. I wish we had a chance to chat and compare notes. Ro-ro is a healthy and happy baby. So happy for you!